Fatherhood

Sisterhood

Best Friends For Life

Oona's Second Album: PAGES 12-14

These are the first few days at home. Sleepless, still racked with pain, exhausted and overly worried about Oona.

Is she crying because she's hungry? Too hot? Too cold? Not swaddled enough or too tight? Did she poop or pee? Does she want to cuddle? Be sung to? Are we too noisy or too quiet? Is she in pain? Is her navel bothering her? Is her jaundice getting worse?

Hay, the insecurity of new parents!

Plus the added worry that her pedia wanted to see her immediately after the weekend was over. The usual was seven days, but we were scheduled to see him three days after coming home.

It was the rainy season and no sun was coming out long enough for her to absorb as much vitamins as she can to beat the jaundice in her system. We were putting her under fluorescent lamps night and day, but we were scared it wasn't enough. At first she was just newborn red, then before the weekend was over, her eyeballs were yellow.

I was sick scared and RF was better at managing the worry. I didn't know what to do.

I was so frustrated because I just wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to be a normal, happy baby. I wanted not to be worried sick that the doctors would need her back at the hospital. I wanted to be well and mobile enough and RF and I to be rested to take better care of her. I wanted to know everything before she even had to cry so heart-breakingly for anything.

I think, it was my most helpless time. I didn't want to lose her.

Oona's Second Album: PAGES 5-8

Our first family picture! I was so stoned. I was near blacking out while the doctors were cleaning me and Oona up. RF hovered. I thought Oona was going to drown on my boob. I was aware of fractured sounds, images and thoughts...I don't know what they gave me but I was higher than high. I was fighting it for all I was worth but the drugs, the exhaustion and the physical exertion was too much for me.

Oona and I roomed together from the get go. I still don't know if that was a good idea or not, but all I know is, I couldn't have let her out of my sight for a second. Although St. Luke's is a good hospital, I've heard too many horror stories of babies getting switched or kidnapped. Or maybe it was the drugs working on a new mother's paranoia. Nevertheless, the nurses and our new pedia (we acquired one between the delivery room and the post-op) gave us all the attention and care we needed as a new family.

I was still racked up with pain and RF was desperate for sleep. I don't know where we got the strength we had that day, but seeing Oona, holding her frail little babyness was an incredible experience.

She was so sweet! So tiny! So incredibly ours!

She looked like a burrito, swaddled in her blankets. RF was afraid to hold her because she looked so fragile! He was afraid he'd drop her but the nurses insisted he learn ASAP. I wanted to laugh so hard but all I managed was a dry chuckle. Pain. I was also so very thirsty from not having taken any liquids or eaten anything for over twelve hours.

Looking at Oona's pictures now, I can tell you straight away that at first I was struck at the absence of the intense feeling you kept reading in books. I understand now that it's a romanticized version of parenthood, although it does happen.

For me, I had the certainty that no matter who this little person would turn out to be, she was mine. Not in a possessive, I-own-you kind of way. . . She is a part of me I gave to the world. A part of my body, my soul. She is her own person, but she is as my own.

You know what they say about having children.

It's making that decision to have your heart walk around outside your body.

She was it.

For My Beloved

{credits: wax seals; shabby princess harvest spice, fall holiday sampler and vintage florals}

I made this to commemorate our 7th Valentine's Day together. I know, corny as it may sound, but it's the perfect excuse to give him something to tell him how much I love him. I had it framed and gave it as a gift.

*blush*