Oona's Second Album: PAGES 12-14

These are the first few days at home. Sleepless, still racked with pain, exhausted and overly worried about Oona.

Is she crying because she's hungry? Too hot? Too cold? Not swaddled enough or too tight? Did she poop or pee? Does she want to cuddle? Be sung to? Are we too noisy or too quiet? Is she in pain? Is her navel bothering her? Is her jaundice getting worse?

Hay, the insecurity of new parents!

Plus the added worry that her pedia wanted to see her immediately after the weekend was over. The usual was seven days, but we were scheduled to see him three days after coming home.

It was the rainy season and no sun was coming out long enough for her to absorb as much vitamins as she can to beat the jaundice in her system. We were putting her under fluorescent lamps night and day, but we were scared it wasn't enough. At first she was just newborn red, then before the weekend was over, her eyeballs were yellow.

I was sick scared and RF was better at managing the worry. I didn't know what to do.

I was so frustrated because I just wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to be a normal, happy baby. I wanted not to be worried sick that the doctors would need her back at the hospital. I wanted to be well and mobile enough and RF and I to be rested to take better care of her. I wanted to know everything before she even had to cry so heart-breakingly for anything.

I think, it was my most helpless time. I didn't want to lose her.